Once again, it’s time to celebrate the birth of our country, still miraculously continuing its existence after 240 years. It’s important to know the rules of this sacred holiday and make sure you celebrate the way our founding fathers intended.

First of all, proper attire is absolutely mandatory. If your outfit is not at least 60 percent stars and stripes, you’ll need to add some extra flair. Run to the nearest store and grab some festive socks or a bandana, don’t be afraid to over-accessorize. The more red, white and blue you wear, the more baby bald eagles will hatch in your honor.

Majestic AF.

Majestic AF.

Drink American beer, no exceptions. This is not a time to worry about imports, it’s about supporting the most important industry in this great nation. Our domestic beers range from top shelf craft to weak and disgusting, just like the enemies of democracy. If you can stomach a few PBRs, you will become a stronger person, thus re-enforcing the backbone of America. American liquor is also acceptable, but stay away from vodka — you damn Commie.

You must be as loud as possible. Shoot off fireworks, blast your music and take every opportunity you are given to let out a solid “WOOO!”, the official battle cry of the Revolutionary War. A lot of people think the might of the U.S. military is what prevents lesser countries like North Korea from invading us, but in reality, it’s all the ruckus we cause once a year. Due to a highly scientific phenomenon involving the curvature of the Earth and the Gulf Stream, the sounds of all the explosions and screaming travel clear around the world (even into outer space!), sending fear into the hearts of tyrannical regimes everywhere. As long as we produce a sufficient amount of noise every Independence Day, our enemies throughout the universe will leave us alone.


Excessive food consumption is another way that we demonstrate our superiority, thus it is your patriotic duty to eat as much food as humanly possible on this great day of feasting. It’s a little known fact that before the American Revolution turned into a full-blown war, it started as a hot dog eating contest between Britain and the colonies. Our side won, but the Brits being notoriously sore losers got mad and staged the Boston Tea Party to look like our fault. This erupted into a massive prank war, eventually culminating in an actual revolution. Stuffing your face with grub is a great way to honor this turning point in history and show your appreciation for the sacrifices made by our forefathers.

Please keep these special traditions in mind, and do your best to represent America the right way. Our way of life is depending on it. George Washington thanks you.