Living the beach life creates a lot of man-children. Top psychologists today would agree that the number one sign you are dating a man-child is that “you have to pick up after him.” That’s a fair trade for all the laughs and wonder that being with a Peter Pan brings. Dating a man-child is not a bad thing necessarily. It should be nurtured and his man-childness should be encouraged (to a degree). Here’s a list of the best man-child toys available this holiday season.
Soundmoovs bracelets by Cra-Z-Art. A 2018 Toy of the Year finalist. You get two bright color bracelets that you put on your wrist or your ankles. Through a bluetooth connection on your phone, you coordinate special sounds to go along with your movements. Play your favorite song just by raising your fist in the air. Start dancing because there’s a robot setting and yes, even a karate setting! Let’s hope that launching an imaginary fireball will give you the “HHHAADDOOuuu-KEEN” sound. Two bracelets for $69 should keep the man-child entertained for awhile.
Drop Mix Game. Remember when Guitar Hero came out and you had music in a video game and all the world was right. Harmonix says, “you’re welcome” and “yes, you may have another.” The company behind the original Guitar Hero and Rock Band games has spliced together board games and music. Drop Mix plays like Uno with cards but the cards play music. One may have Ed Sheeran vocals on it, another has “Call Me Maybe” instrumentals, and a third could be a dash of some Cvurchers. The idea is that you mix your own versions of songs by dropping your cards on the mix block. You can have fun trying to ruin your friend’s fun music mix with your Meghan Trainor card, but through the magic of science, the new mixes sound tolerable together. Yay technology. Connecting via bluetooth to the games app makes the setup easy and the pace stays quick. This is the perfect party game for up to four people. Comes at a steep price of $99, but that’s the price you pay to here Sia jam with Ricky Martin.
A dire wolf. Ok, yes dire wolves are real … were real. So if you’re looking for the real-deal fancy man-child gift. A $300 Dire Wolf fossil will make your man-child Lord of His House until the end of days. He’ll beam with pride as he tells stories of these giant wolves who hung out with sabertooth tigers back in the tar-pit days. If that’s not enough, another dire wolf route would be to get your very own real one (sorta). DireWolf Dogs of Vallecito specializes in the American Alsatian breed. A breed that looks very similar to the late-dire wolf. A tad smaller than Ghost or Nymeria, but still the biggest baddest wolf dog on your street. You’ll have to pay up to $3,000 for your new doggo though.
*Please don’t actually get an animal if you or your man-child cannot take care of themselves first.
Freebord! It’s a skateboard that with one quick motion — you’re snowboarding. It has two central wheels that are like grocery cart wheels, able to lock in and out of the snowboarding position. Perhaps more popular on the West Coast because hills, Freeborders rock elbow pads and helmets because they are flying at high speeds. Your man-child will have fun in his Florida driveway or maybe try having the dog pull him around the neighborhood. This board is not easy to ride and your gonna pay roughly $250 to try it. It’s def an extreme sport type of thing, but your man-child can handle it.
USA Bubble Package Bubble Cushioning. That’s right 62.5 ft. of glorious bubble wrap. I do not need to explain to you why this is fun and every man-child’s dream. In fact, purchase any of the above four items and wrap it in 62.5 ft. of bubble wrap and you have successfully won the Holidays. Victory!
*Please note that this article is mostly satire, so please enjoy the humor.