As of January 2016, roughly 75 million human beings are actively subscribed to Netflix. “Wow, nearly 75 million people, Mike! That sure is a lot of folks that like to watch subscription-based TV, Mike! That’s kinda hard to believe, Mike!” Sure is, you nut — but what if I told you that a double-digit percentage of those Netflix subscribers aren’t actually watching Netflix. Would that make sense? Not at all, but it’s true.

Now, before I swan-dive head first into defining one of 2015’s most regularly-suggested, yet vague-as-f*ck phenomena, I would like the record to state that I do not currently have a Netflix subscription … and there’s no good reason for that. I think Netflix is a wonderful service — priced at a bargain and chock-full of quality television + movies. I just don’t have it. In truth, I’m an HBO/Showtime/Starz guy (all of which are equally chill-able TV networks by the way). But just because I don’t fork over the $9/month doesn’t mean I don’t know what the Netflix users are up to.

I’m going whip a ballpark figure out of nowhere here and guestimate that 50 percent of total subscribers are using their subscription to indulge in something just #a #little #bit #more than just binge-watching “Orange Is the New Black.” “What could that possibly be, Mike? You’re wrong, Mike. We just watch ‘House of Cards,’ Mike.” Maybe that’s true, maybe you do watch “House of Cards.” But if that’s all you’re doing, then you’re doing it wrong.

So, what are the ~37.5 million Netflix subscribers using their subscription for instead of watching the tube? The answer is as simple as it is complicated … they’re chilling.

Chilling can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Your roommate’s version of chill might include listening to Chief Keef’s Pandora station while smoking a pineapple-flavored cigar wrap filled with marijuana leaflets. A different fellow might classify his chill as low-key pounding a baker’s dozen of Corona Lights, a la playa on a mid-summer’s Tuesday. Then, there is the orthodox chiller, a religious type that practices a seemingly thoughtless form of chill via couch-sprawl, ghostly silence and minimal movement.

“Mike, we know what chilling is. We’re chilling while reading this, Mike. What do you take us for, Mike?” This isn’t about what I take you for, you inquisitive wheat-thin. This is about Netflix, and more importantly, how the addition of “and chill” has shifted the universal meaning of a once-normal leisure activity request to a laughably-passive mating call for young humans of the 21st century.

If that’s not clear enough, let me be transparent here. A proposal to “Netflix and chill” is a suggestion to fornicate. “C’mon Mike, that seems a little absolute. We just want perform the kissing, Mike. Maybe a little more if the show sucks, Mike.” Ah, but the show does suck. You picked the show that sucked! She knows it and you know it. What’s really happening here is that you and whomever you’re chilling with have agreed upon a TV show’s audio track to keep awkward silence at bay and/or mask the sounds of intimacy from being heard by roommates plus other better-off-unaware third parties.

Is there anything wrong with this? Well, unless you find it odd to have an unrelated dialogue between two random actors be the background to your sexual encounters, then no — there’s nothing wrong with that. If that does seem strange to you (again, might just be you), then perhaps you consider replacing Netflix with any given R&B album from the ‘90s (perhaps a little “Bump N’ Grind”?), or even Pandora’s Marvin Gaye station. The subscription is $4/month — $5 less than Netflix.