Getting over an ex is just one of those things that falls under the giant umbrella of “life’s great obstacles.” Without it, country music loses its edge and John Cusack would cease to exist.
If you are recently separated from your sweetheart and wondering if you are really over your ex, take this simple quiz to find out.
You still talk to his mom
So, maybe you were close with your ex’s mother before the breakup. You traded recipes for sweet potato casserole and looked at his baby pictures. You were the best girlfriend a mother could ask for. Your hips were adequate for birthing grandchildren and you helped with the dishes. However, talking to his mother at any point after the breakup is a telltale sign you are not over him and you are possibly a weirdo. Let’s be realistic, the only thing you two share in common is your ex and your vaginas. Let that sink in.
You are thinking about your ex while getting it on with someone else
If you are getting freaky with a stranger you met during closing time at the Ritz and you suddenly find yourself wondering, “Jeez, I wonder what so-and-so is doing right now,” chances are, you are not completely over your ex. If the person you are sleeping with is your ex’s mom, well, that’s even worse. Close your eyes and concentrate on pleasing her for heaven’s sake.
You are currently cleaning blood off the floor
Nothing screams, “I’m over you!” like screaming, “I’m over you!” while murdering an ex.
But are you really?
Take some time to reflect on whether you have truly recovered from the breakup when scrubbing the crime scene for traces of DNA evidence. Part of learning to let go is saying, “If I can’t have you, then someone else will … and that’s okay.” If you’ve found you haven’t enough time to contemplate healthy rejection behavior, you will have plenty of time to while you are doing 25 to life.
You are posting questionable material on Facebook
As a general rule, steer clear of social media during any heightened emotional states. Before posting anything take the, “Would I Say This To My Aunt If I Ran Into Her On The Street Test.” If you wouldn’t tell your Aunt Patty that your ex is a, “no-good, STD-soaked, cheating scum bag,” or sing Gloria Gaynor in her face, don’t post it.
You have worked tirelessly to hook up with everyone your ex knows
When you are rebounding so hard people start calling you Dennis Rodman, you need to stop and catch your breath. Ask yourself, is this really filling the empty hole of your heart? Do all your ex’s Facebook friends really count as friends? At what point will you make it to Kevin Bacon? How many drinks will it take to erase the memory of that sweaty shameful night after Lynch’s with your ex’s mom? Eight? Ten?
If you’ve answered yes to any of these, unfortunately … you failed the test. However, before you start Googling noose knotting videos on YouTube, remember that one day you will wake up, think about them and just say, “meh.”