So, you had too much fun last night (thanks Cinco de Mayo) and now you’re paying for it this morning with a wicked hangover. We’ve all been there (unless you happen to be under 21 and thus have never even tasted alcohol, obviously). Depending on what and how much you drank, you’re probably feeling death coming for you in a variety of fun ways. The bright side is that it will pass, and we’ll get through this together. Here’s how to minimize the pain a bit and hopefully not die.
The first step is the most important and should begin while you are partying. For every beer you chug or every shot you take, down a cup of water too. Keeping yourself hydrated is the best way to prevent future agony. This is especially vital if you’re dancing all up on some strangers in a sweaty club. Drinking water as you go won’t prevent you from making any other poor decisions in this situation, but it will help replenish all the water you sweat out on the dance floor.
After you wake up in the morning (or more likely the afternoon), take a moment to listen to your body. If you hydrated properly, you may not be feeling too awful, so good job. Go have your coffee and take on the world. If you didn’t hydrate, you’re probably gonna want to drink a ton of water immediately. Water is good, but it won’t help if you don’t get some electrolytes in with it. This is why a benevolent god brought us Pedialyte. Sure it says it’s meant for sick children, but this stuff doesn’t f*** around. It has all the sodium and minerals and stuff that you need to balance your system without all the sugar you’ll find in Gatorade. Put your big sunglasses on and head to the baby aisle of Walgreens. Everyone will know exactly what you’ve been up to, but don’t pay attention to their pitying stares.
Drink straight from the bottle of Pedialyte like you drank from that bottle of vodka the night before. Vodka does not love you. Pedialyte loves you. Pedialyte wants to keep you safe. Vodka wants to make you dance badly and scream obscenities at strangers on the street.
Depending on how you feel, the alternate step two is to throw up. It won’t be fun, but if your stomach is churning, you’ll feel way better afterwards. Then chug your Pedialyte on the floor by the toilet. It’s ok to cry a little. Pedialyte understands.
At some point, take a shower. Seriously, you gotta wash the stench of shame off. You know somewhere in the back of your mind that you did or said something stupid while intoxicated. Wash it all away with some nice hot water. Cry again if that’s your thing.
Eat some damn food. All that puking and crying is exhausting, your body needs some protein to deal with the horrible things you’ve done to it. Go get yourself a big cheeseburger as a reward for surviving this far. You may have to force yourself to eat it, but you’ll feel like a real human when you’re done.
High five yourself for not dying. Tell yourself that you’re never drinking alcohol again. Tell your friends that you’re serious this time, you’re never drinking alcohol again. Let them laugh all the want, because they’ll see. You’re never drinking again. Ever.
Go out tonight and repeat, making sure to hydrate even better this time.