Selling Public Beach Access Parking Spots to People Not From the Beach

This might not be exactly what they refer to as, “totally legal and morally advisable,” but that’s not why you’re here. Begin charging $10 per spot. Move from access to access quickly, and never stay at one access for too long. Maybe don’t do this one … or the next one … or anything below that … or maybe just don’t reference Void when you’re getting thrown into a police car (you did this to yourself).

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Flipping Bikes around the 4th of July

This is the only venture on this list that doesn’t fall in some grey area of the law and isn’t absolutely ludicrous (depending on your style). If you’re looking to get into the used bike business, here’s your plan. Get on Craigslist right now, search bikes, refine your search to “beach cruisers,” sort prices from low to high and buy anything under $30 that has two wheels, handlebars and a seat. Two weeks before the 4th of July, post to Facebook about your used bike lot operation. People will see your post, like it and then message you about coming to buy the bikes. If some of the bikes have tires with holes in them, pump them up right before they get there and patch the holes(s) with either Orbits spearmint or Big Red brand chewing gum. This is a very stealth way of making the tires appear new and #fresh. Be sure to specify there are no test drives.

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Sell Cigarettes to People Stumbling around the Beach Bars

Let me preface this by saying that you do not have to smoke cigarettes to sell cigarettes. In fact, if you don’t inhale tobacco products, you’re 6.5 times more likely to make a decent profit with this venture. A normal pack of death soldiers will run you about $5 to $7, and each one carries 20 individual cigarettes (25 if you’re importing packs from Canada, #bigbusiness). Once you have inventory, all you’ve got to do is stand at the four-way at 3rd Avenue North and 1st Street on a Friday night, where you can wheel and deal loosies for $1 each to all of the more-or-less unprepared, incoherent souls shuffling from bar to bar. The cops also hang out at this intersection, so be discreet and put individual cigs in airtight, plastic sandwich bags. This way, they won’t be able to detect the odor and know you’re moving weight. To think your high school professors said you’d never amount to anything! Ha!

Apply Sunscreen to People Who Have Not Requested Sunscreen Application

This is a great way to make some money. Go to CVS and ask for Walgreen-brand sunscreen (or vice versa). They will ask if you are leading a confused existence, so answer “yes” and leave promptly. Now, go to Walmart and buy the cheapest brand of sunscreen you can find. Make sure it’s SPF 76. This is a very important number. Once you’ve secured enough protective lotion, drive to the Jacksonville Beach Pier and walk out onto the sands of its northside. Find people who are sleeping and politely blast lotion upon their person. DO NOT rub it in. Leave and continue up the beach. Also, this is a tip-based compensation model, so be courteous in your approach, and you will make money … or get maced. It can go either way.