We’ve been pretty fortunate in terms of major hurricanes hitting us here along the First Coast, but it looks like our good luck may be running out (at least the surf will be good?). If there’s one thing Floridians are good at, it’s preparing for hurricane
parties and generally freaking out the rest of the nation with “Florida man” stories. If you need some help on hunkering down for Matthew, we’ve got you covered here:
Create a group chat with your closest friends
Everyone has their “crew.” Some people’s crew may only be one or two, but the point is that there is a common interest. For instance, I have a few friends who enjoy drinking beer and/or hard liquor. I’ve created a group chat called “Humans Yielding Purposefully Extremely Stupid, Questionable and Unauthorized Activities Daily (Hype Squad).” We discuss our plans to pillage and plunder once the s**t hits the fan. When the streets are flooded, the stores are closed, classes are cancelled and jobs are … well who has a “real” job anyway. That’s when I text the group. That’s when the real hurricane arrives.
Make sure you believe the Hype
I insist you do this. Hype is somewhat of a mythical beast — much like a minotaur.
Without our faithful belief in Hype, there would be no Hype. We wouldn’t check the weather forecast 15 times a day. We wouldn’t have any need for the HYPE SQUAD group chat. Minotaurs wouldn’t exist at all if we didn’t believe in them. So, before you start becoming doubtful, faithless, minotaurless humans, believe the Hype. Feed the fire.
Become well acquainted with bulk grocery shopping
You may know a few places where this is very possible, and also encouraged. I don’t want to sit here and give out free advertising, but one of the places rhymes with Ram’s Numb, and the other is a familiar acronym used to describe a certain oral sex-type thing. If you’re with me, then you’re with me. If not, well, catch up.
So, go to these two places, purchase large quantities of everything including, but not limited to: Goldfish, box wine, non-perishables (like whiskey), assorted bulk candies and even water. I think buying water is ironic when it comes to hurricane preparation — all the flooding, it just seems like a water pyramid scheme. You buy all this water, then you start selling the water to all your friends who didn’t even need water in the first place, and now, the market is flooded … we just punned, so hard. But, the point is, buy in bulk and choose loosely. Buy what the Hype tells you to buy.
Act like you’ve never experienced a hurricane before
Holding a strangely scared face for the entire week leading up to storm is essential.
Don’t imitate Keanu, but he’s definitely got the look I’m looking for. Be creative here. Use you’re pretend lack of knowledge of storm season to inspire your face. Let your face feel the Hype. Let your face transcend your true fake fear.
Bury some treasure in an undisclosed location
I’ve recently been doing this after I saw my dog doing it. I think it’s a good way conceal gold, credit cards, bikes, last night’s pizza, these types of valuable items. When the storm comes, and creates flash floods and tornados, you’re going to want to have a backup plan. Don’t tell the Hype Squad because they can be reckless at times. Just keep this to yourself. Try to keep it from your dog, too. Trial and error has taught me that even man’s best friend will dig up old pizza. He’ll do it behind your back … and he’ll eat every slice. It’s also very important that you don’t place these items in a chest or any protective casing. When treasure hunters come around, that’s what they’re looking for — chests. Just bury each item individually and don’t protect it. This will ensure it’s well hidden.
If you follow these guidelines, I promise something will happen.