When fast food restaurants experiment with new and unusual food products, it can only end badly. There are certain classic formulas that you simply don’t mess with. Burger King is now threatening to destroy millions of years of rich American cultural traditions with their latest invention — the Whopperrito. It’s exactly what it sounds like, a disgusting monstrosity made from Whopper ingredients wrapped up in a tortilla to vaguely resemble a burrito.
Just thinking about eating a burger like a burrito is enough to inspire deep discomfort and mild nausea in most reasonable people. Burger King and its competitors have been working for years to claim the glorious title of Most Ridiculous Menu Offerings. Recent horrific Frankenstein snacks like BK’s Mac ‘n’ Cheetos and the infamous KFC Double Down prove that American fast food companies are doing their best to find the sweet spot between “so disgusting no one would ever touch this” and “so outrageous that I must try it.” It’s a saturated-fat-laden pissing contest at the expense of the American people, and now is the time for us to rise up and demand an end to these atrocities.
We are better than this. Burritos are better than this. Burger King is trying to force you to lower your personal standards for what you consider edible, so they can make a profit off your poor decisions. One night after many alcoholic beverages, when your judgment is skewed, you will stumble towards the inviting glow of the Burger King drive-thru window and lay your glazed-over eyes upon an image of a Whopperrito. In that moment, it will be beautiful and tempting to behold. With your guard down, you will be unable to resist its draw and you will allow your uninhibited self to follow your gut. In the morning, when you awake, grease-stained and clutching your stomach in agony, you will wonder how you could have been so stupid, so easily tricked into thinking a Whopperrito was a good idea. You will curse Burger King and swear to lay off the stuff for good. But it will happen again. Because you have lost all control of your life, and you allowed it to happen.
By not standing up to the corporate machine of gastric horrors, you are allowing your country and your life to be taken over. Soon enough, everywhere you look you will find taco ingredients stuffed into a waffle cone or pizza blended up and served in a Panera bread bowl like soup. You will wonder what happened to regular food, and long for simpler times. These are the simpler times. Refuse to let fast food restaurants manipulate you with marketing and cutesy names … before it’s too late.