Pizza delivery is a great way to make dough. It’s a job laser-focused on folding boxes, pressing buttons, cutting pizzas and listening to podcasts in a vehicle. But nothing tops meeting the different customers who ball out on a Friday evening to order pizza.

Though they are diverse in character, some customers follow patterns that lump them in several illustrative categories. Here are 10.

Cheap ass

The Stiffer

Typically, great customer service merits a tip at most jobs involving cars and food. The stiffer sees no value in this particular line of work and will ask for exact change back with raised eyebrows and no other facial expression. They usually swing the door open swiftly and complain about the delivery fee, too.

Pizza deliverer: “Have a lovely day!”

The stiffer: “Nah.”

Fumble

The Cash Fumbler

Pizza delivery is a thrilling experience because you temporarily hire people to make sure dinner is taken care of. You’re the boss! However, there is still a small responsibility on a customer’s end. That job is to gather the cash it takes to pay for your pie. But sometimes life can get in the way of that, especially if the bill is split between four people.

The cash fumbler will greet pizza deliverers with crinkled wads of cash money, while they do mental math and yell for others to throw in for the food. Sometimes that can be an arduous process when you forget pizza is coming.

Cash fumbler: “I’m $3 short? Give me eight minutes to find it.”

Pizza deliverer: “I have other orders to deliv-.”

giphy

Puff, puff, pizza Patron

When the munchies strike, pizza delivers. It’s the safest way to stay put and satiate the appetite blooming from your brainwaves. The puff, puff, pizza patron will most likely offer you a hit from a burning joint.

Puff, puff, pizza patron: “Hey I don’t think I added that total correctly.”

Pizza deliverer: “Don’t worry about that.”

scrooge mcduck

The Big Tipper

When placing a phone order, a big tipper distinguishes themselves from the other customers by verbally proclaiming their generosity on the phone. They usually have physical and figurative callus from knowing what it’s like to work hard. Sometimes they are just older and looking to blow cash, which is cool, too.

The big tipper: “Uh oh, I’m a big tipper!”

Pizza Deliverer: “Well that’s just great.”

Hurry

The Closer

The most intense moment of pizza delivery is spent watching the clock five minutes before the store closes. The floors are mopped, the make-line is immaculate, the boxes are stocked and then it happens — the maddening beep of an order placed at 2:59 a.m.

The closer: “Hurry up!”

Pizza deliverer: “I’ll be right there …”

Special Order

The Special Requestor

As if pizza wasn’t satisfying enough, there are still people who want more. Because of this, there is a feature on most pizza delivery websites that allow users to write their driver a custom message.

Sometimes it’s a drawing on the box, asking someone to prom, $100 of change in $20s, the electric slide or simply asking the driver to pick up a six-pack. Either way, whether you honor these requests or not determines how cool of a person you are.

The special requestor: “Please bring Natty Ice with the pizza.”

Pizza deliverer: “I can’t let you do that to yourself.”

Child

The Child Decoy

Stiffers start their children young by sending them to sign the receipt for the pizza at the front door. This may be the best way to get out of tipping drivers. There’s no way a 5-year-old kid can understand the courtesy of tipping, let alone that you can add an electronic tip by adding numbers on the receipt.

Pizza deliverer: “Hey, what’s your favorite pizza buddy?”

The child decoy: “Mommy said you’re an idiot. Haha!”

 

CouponsThe Promotional Purchaser

Retention is important for any business, and usually that translates to giving promotional discounts to customers for joining some sort of email club. Well, it’s no secret that making multiple email accounts isn’t a difficult thing to do. That means there are people who take advantage of specials, which is okay with me unless you don’t tip. It would be a shame if someone said something, wouldn’t it?

Pizza deliverer: “Hey didn’t you have a mustache yesterday?”

The promotional purchaser: “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Get out of here!”

Ooh the bible

The Blessers

The stiffer has an evolved form — a stiffer with good intentions. Often, they will give you some sort of holy literature and say, “God bless” after taking the pizza, cookie and two-liter soda you carried to the third floor of their apartment.

The blesser: “God bless you!”

Pizza deliverer: “Yeah thanks … you too!”

Measure

The Fact-checker  

Drivers face awkward incarnate when they encounter a pizza fact checker. This is someone who goes through every box of pizza, counts for 42 total pepperonis and measures the pie’s radius with measuring tape in their holster. Most times it goes smoothly, but if you forget the mushrooms, may God have mercy on your soul.

The fact checker: “This large pizza is only 13 and a half inches!”

Pizza deliverer: “Sorry.”